People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
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*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
what’s really going on
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*