People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
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A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Me redecorating every room in my mind
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
ed has no gf cuz sheran away