Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.

Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.