People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
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So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.