People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
You Might Also Like
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
giddy up Office Depot
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
why isn’t he texting back
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
🤣🤣🤣
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.