People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
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Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Saturday
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Alexa; make it look like an accident
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Ugh but profoundly