People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
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We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
When I face a minor setback
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”