People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
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“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?