Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

smartest karate player in the world

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

bury ourselves

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef