People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
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*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
get you a girl who
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.