People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
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Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Muppet Screams
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.