People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
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What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”