Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

I needed this laugh 😂😂😂

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead