Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.

Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.