People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
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“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Oops
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM