People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
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I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”