People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
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Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
A roof is a house hat.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot