“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
weaknesses
