Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

eggs benadryl

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’