“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
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[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
smh
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.