“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
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Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I don’t make the rules sorry
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?