Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time