People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
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The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
The USS B port
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.