People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
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Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Bro what is this
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]