People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
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if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.