People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
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Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing