Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

Happy thanksgiving

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”

But, why sir?

Chef: yes

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

he’ll never suspect a thing

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?