Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

Get in loser we’re going crying

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”