People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
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I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
liiiiiiiiike
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er