People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
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If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.