Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

😆

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

Tapped in

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.