Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

“TGIM!” – My liver

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

*gets down on one knee*

*door in my house opens on its own*

me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure

the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life