people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
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Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
This has made my week.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
house sitting!
You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.