people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
You Might Also Like
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.