people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
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I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
turning my gender off to conserve energy
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?