People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
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[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
X-tra spooky blend
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Pleading insanity in small claims court
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Fluff me with a fork baby
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.