People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
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“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
lol
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
went fishing caught a bass
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.