I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
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Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.