@brendohare

People keep coming up to me & saying “You have the right amount of hair my son.” Is this normal? Does anyone else have this problem? Hello??

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@3sunzzz

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

@Gre_Gone

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

@unmehlievable

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table ūüôĀ

@fillthevacuum

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

@Macar00ny

Give a man a subtweet and he’ll be like “is this about me?” Teach a man to subtweet you’ll be like “is that about me?”

@Adar79Angie

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

@dorsalstream

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

@Parkerlawyer

Dr, ‚ÄúSo you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.‚ÄĚ

Me, ‚ÄúContinue?‚ÄĚ