People keep coming up to me & saying “You have the right amount of hair my son.” Is this normal? Does anyone else have this problem? Hello??

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landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late


My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.


Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit


{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*


Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*


*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*


*mugger walks up* GIMME EVERYTHING YOU GOT! *mugger slowly walks away with $2.16 and a lifetime of anxiety & existential misunderstanding*


*holding my crying child*

Me: I know, earthquakes are scary. So maybe next time you’ll be good and I won’t have to make that happen again.


Today’s lunch: Pan fried pork chops, cheesy hash brown casserole, peach cobbler, a quick defibrillation and two stents.


I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.