Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
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HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I’m sorry…what?