People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
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bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me: