People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
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What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I beg you to euthanise me
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.