Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

Boom, boom, ching!

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.