Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.