People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
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Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Sir!!
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
scared to check what name she chose
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud