People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
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ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT