People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
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Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
New mindset, who dis?
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
White parent Vs Arab parents
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”