Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

i really liked this one

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.