People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
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me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.
me: ask them who their CEO is
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
The Joker was right
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine