People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

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The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL


I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.


Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.


[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*


I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.


I just wanna be someone’s prince Charmin.

See what I did there. I’ll wipe out my account.


BREAKING: President Obama shows solidarity with victims in war-torn countries by posting another selfie with celebrities.


ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!


Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.


CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
Me: *smirks*