People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
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The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
#Caturday
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow