People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
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you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.