People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
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Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
dictator is short for richard potato
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen