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There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.