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“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now