People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
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My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
My nickname in high school was “who?”
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
🤣😂🤣
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.