Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

thanksgiving should be called feaster

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

Word!

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.