Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.

What’s so funny?

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA