Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.