Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.