People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
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*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.