Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

😂👽

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that.

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?