People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Sunday
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Chicken bread
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.