[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
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You had me at “define legal”.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Whisper out to librarians!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party