[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
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The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.