[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
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WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
oh good, now I can stop drinking
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?