@GrantTanaka

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

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@EricGoldie

Does Adam Sandler know that he’s allowed to turn down movie roles?

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

@xLiserx

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

@Julian_Deane

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

@DothTheDoth

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

@SamuelHLowe

– You pay more attention to the TV than you do me!
– Ma’am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?

@VirginiaMcMurdo

Me making a grocery list: What essential stuff are we needing?

Him: *lists exotic, little-used spices*