Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me

student: professor?

me: shit

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older

The range on this guy!

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it