Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

I put the I in Insufferable.

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box