Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

an octopus is just a wet spider

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.

Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”