Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call

–companies

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*

ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.

Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers