People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
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the worm is coming from inside the brain
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
good let them take over I have had enough
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A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I’d hang this in my house.
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[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE