People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
three things we don’t talk about
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*pokes sex life with a stick
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.