Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the worm is coming from inside the brain

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

good let them take over I have had enough

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

It’s Monday, but at what cost?

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

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one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

I’d hang this in my house.

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.

Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE