Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

I beg you to euthanise me

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.