People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
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doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I am having an out of money experience.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda