People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
You Might Also Like
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
THIS HEADLINE
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
When I snag the last meatball.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
every college guy’s fridge
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait