People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
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ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”