My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
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I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!