People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
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Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I think the cat got the dog high.
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
