People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
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[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.