Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.