Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

If you’re testing me, we failed.

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping