People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
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[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Phones down.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Netflix: We have Less
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
ibopfufen
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.